Aaargh!
I really don't know what I want. All I know is I stay in the here and now and here and now has a good day and a bad day. I do not know if someone as of yet has the capacity to be there in the days of my life where it will not all be sunshine and will remain the same in the good or bad times. I never really wished for a boy to marry because it just did not make sense to me. I think of too much logic in things sometimes its too deep and only a handful of my friends including my mom dig it up with me. I write shallow songs because I don't want to feel judged and raped just because I have exposed my reality. My feelings are so deep vast and unknown that I tread with caution. I just wanted a guy so committed to be there for me every damn day, consistently accept these dark bits and pieces of me. This guy must understand that this keeps Me grounded. I don't need a man who makes 10 million or billion pesos a year or whatever figure because I know my capacity to out earn you any God Given day. All I want is an open minded fucker who can be another individual to be equal with me...a guy who doesn't get consumed with dualism..A guy who knows himself and is unafraid. It is as simple as it gets.
I was never lucky I thought to myself, but then again the truth is I write my own destiny. The last times my fear got the best of me I ran away and did an act of Houdini. I was a coward at this coming to the depths of relationship thing. I now decide to face this head on and for once stop being a poser for strength. I have a sense that this is somewhat different.
I am learning from my boss the art of getting through natures course without passing judgement. So I am exercising this now in my relations to this person I am dating.
Whatever is the result of this Isolation will take the next course of emotional freedom that I am about to undertake.
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