Sunday , 9pm, October 27 2013 :)
There are times when you look back at your life and you find out all along that whatever that took you this far made you who you are to come to this point. This pregnancy has thought me things I learned about my self in 2 weeks than I ever did in 34 years, imagine that? It is making me love myself because there is a being that is your own that you are taking care of that requires you loving yourself the way you have never loved yourself ever before and you are sure as shit there is no way around it but that. Destiny and the people you meet along the way are no accidents so I have only forgiveness in my heart that I have. I know that jusr every bitter thought that comes across that make me pity myself is just the control dying because I didnt have it my way in particular situations where it was almost perfect in my thoughts.
You know what thought passed me? That all the while, I am enough and I am worthy and I will never ever sell my self short again to fill the void because there is no void. I am full of love and I am beautiful, I am special.
I am not together with the father of my kid. He has complications that I guess prompted him to go to the direction where some fruit happened, who am I to judge? I have always enjoyed his company and can say it was one of the happiest days of my life. I had to guard my heart for whats right, I know there are days that when I was with him and I was very happy, I was myself and it was warm and cozy and sometimes you would wish it was forever yours but you know it will not be because you know his heart is not the same way. It was something unsaid that you feel that made me look and look to find out further reasons why and therefore made a logical decision to shut it down. So i did and in my age and similar experiences and mistakes knew that it was right to shut it down. Why did I go this far is not to blame anyone nor my childhood nor my past relationships it is a gift and an eye opener. The situation that we stumbled upon was a gift individually.
I kept asking myself, why did I succumb to this? The only answer I have in mind is I found the comfort in a man who did not need anything from me and that I don't need anything from. I just got attracted to the fact that his kind is new to me and that the possibility of him loving me will be based on something raw, and that his inability to love me will stem into something I can work on for myself. So i rally had nothing to loose so I kind of jumped in. There was no hurt in knowing that.
Suffice to say, whatever happened, was meant to happen. I kid myself sometimes, God must know I am too stubborn that he had to give gifts of wisdom to be able for me to see his other gifts that I duly deserve. As I take care of this gift I will always think thankful, open and with outmost care whatever happens, happens.
Anywhoo, until the next preggy thought. I think this kid should have name that is similar to what was described. Gift. Destiny. Wisdom something to that effect yeah?
:)
You know what thought passed me? That all the while, I am enough and I am worthy and I will never ever sell my self short again to fill the void because there is no void. I am full of love and I am beautiful, I am special.
I am not together with the father of my kid. He has complications that I guess prompted him to go to the direction where some fruit happened, who am I to judge? I have always enjoyed his company and can say it was one of the happiest days of my life. I had to guard my heart for whats right, I know there are days that when I was with him and I was very happy, I was myself and it was warm and cozy and sometimes you would wish it was forever yours but you know it will not be because you know his heart is not the same way. It was something unsaid that you feel that made me look and look to find out further reasons why and therefore made a logical decision to shut it down. So i did and in my age and similar experiences and mistakes knew that it was right to shut it down. Why did I go this far is not to blame anyone nor my childhood nor my past relationships it is a gift and an eye opener. The situation that we stumbled upon was a gift individually.
I kept asking myself, why did I succumb to this? The only answer I have in mind is I found the comfort in a man who did not need anything from me and that I don't need anything from. I just got attracted to the fact that his kind is new to me and that the possibility of him loving me will be based on something raw, and that his inability to love me will stem into something I can work on for myself. So i rally had nothing to loose so I kind of jumped in. There was no hurt in knowing that.
Suffice to say, whatever happened, was meant to happen. I kid myself sometimes, God must know I am too stubborn that he had to give gifts of wisdom to be able for me to see his other gifts that I duly deserve. As I take care of this gift I will always think thankful, open and with outmost care whatever happens, happens.
Anywhoo, until the next preggy thought. I think this kid should have name that is similar to what was described. Gift. Destiny. Wisdom something to that effect yeah?
:)
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