Thoughts

And so I woke up from a bank call and now I am up, taking time to write before I fall asleep thinking man I am so lucky to be in a place where in people are straight up with me, when everywhere I look people are so nastily nice to each other letting you fall flat face on the floor and wash their hands clean that they have nothing to do with you, how cruel can that life be?
That's a life I don't want to come back with.

Being in this place you have to fight and make good choices in your soul to be "there" I can't call It a good place in some standards because it is not always fine and dandy. It is a certainty of there is a God and I might as well face him now and whatever he wants to do in my life than runaway and screw my life in my own keeping time and again. I have been in years checking my feelings for a good day or bad day, buying good feelings feeling crappy after. Doing your will to get things and suffer the consequences of it's prematurity thereafter. Sucks. But there is a way out. I am still on the road to be well, I cannot say I got it all down but I will get there. But I can't do it alone. Alone is screwed up.

It's called surrender, a sweet soul surrender a resting where nothing else matters except me and my keeper, knowing HE is just there you got his back and the only thing you have to do is position yourself with no hesitation lean well so you get covered. Leaning to his word and living by what you know as a part of the one that keeps you. Choosing to do that everytime.

You know like a father we look up to. I remember looking up for answers to my dad who I looked up to as the smartest man in the world, everything he says is what I only believe in, but somehow life happens and neither one of us knew well demons got involved anger resentment pain screwed this whole set up that we were born with and screwed our beliefs of how a father is. I have always said myself on the prayers I prayed to God that I am not the best at this whole relational thing but as I believe that you are my father as I surrender myself to your keeping show me if it need be force me to see this part where I got blind and numb. HE is faithful, my life as I looked back is woven into a path where I will discover the realness of how it all is. I remember getting beat up by my dad, I would climb the roof and utter cries like when is this gonna end, i guess I'm one of those unlucky ones, well I can't do anything then can't I? And through the course of the ordeal in years I knew God instilled a fight in me that paved way to my running away from the house knowing there is something better than the shithole I was in. And that was a start of my journey. I cannot say I planted rebellion and the fruit was good, na uh, I left home I was 16 or 17 rebellious for ten years, found at 27 all messed up screwed up stinky and hard. Now I am 31 still a piece of work but God is faithful everyday to wash me clean from those years and make me new happy and free.

Now I know God is freeing me from control, teaching me to forgive myself from the guilt of past wasted that I ever so fear of coming back to hence control, showing me what true love is through people and his ways that I pray I always see. Knowing this access is a gift and I count myself lucky.
"Sent via BlackBerry from Smart"

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