There are certain people and events that impact a persons life, and I won't deny the fact that those years of spending my youth and energy into the madness of you had made a huge impact in my life. It was one of the pivotal moments of my self discovery. It is when I knew I had the capability to impart and give away my whole damn self in a seemingly unselfish manner, or so I believe have been. It has also caused a trauma that I am working on right now in my life. Its not bad on you, but it was the cost of my all out expedition beyond my fears. I let it all out and now I have to learn how to manage it like a sane human being without concerning myself with other people's opinion of me and what I am made of.
I am a very insecure person, that is my weakness, this has heightened into the ideal of me being liked by you and eventually hopefully loved but was unclear. I know you chose unclear because I feed your ego with the joy of some person you don't care who will worship you like a motherfucker. I understood that concept eventually after some deep journey and self analysis. I am in the journey now of loving myself in staying away from the likes of you who I have come to attract. I have built a standard of avoidance towards your liking and have led me to numerous relationships after you that only lasted a week, a few months to a length of a year.
You must understand that it I am not Mad at you, nor angry..we are simply each others casualties of each of our self discoveries. I am just being a good sport in this thing called life that I wanted to at least get to know my spirit's enemy.
I promised myself and my son that I would always have love for people and no room and space for hate. I would have a room full of dislikes but my brain will always be open and as my heart to accepting ideals and beliefs by and with protecting my own special space that only my son and I will share.
I am not closing my door to the future. I am simply closing my door to the lack of clarity that a certain person or type of individual might add in. I have built gauges not cages so anybody is welcome. Let us all be joyful and happy.
